Black Mood.......

I'm feeling moody recently....

Extremely so..

However... I just can't show it in front of me mum....
Can't let her know now can we??

So.. I just have to smile and grin in front of her...

But the truth is..... I'm just plain tired...

And if anyone got any problem with that, you all can just go to hell...

This is after all my space to air.... If you got any problem why don't you purchase blogger and block me??

Before that, shut up......

Where was I??

I discovered that I've long since lost my way...
Lost my direction...
Lost my sense...
Lost my... Life........

So.. what do I have??
What keeps me??
What helps me??


Questions again....
Questions are bad..
Questions can be lethal..


And it seems my mood has sunken into blacker surroundings..


Am I depressed??

U bet your ass I am....

Empty... Disturbed...

I have been wandering... Yet..
Nothing is my fruits of labor...
Nothing is my results....
Nothing is my harvest...


I have been wandering... Yet...
I achieved greatness...
I received failure...
I sought repentance...


I have been wandering... Yet...
I sought to differentiate life and death...
I find life torturous, yet invigorating...
I find death calm, yet terrifying...
In the end.... Both different sides of the same coin...


I have been wandering... Yet...
I sought approval...
I won rejection...
I lost acclaim...


I have been wandering... Yet...


I wander still...

The Long Fall.....

I wonder..... Is this what people call the fall from grace???
On the heights, the path is full daggers...
Did I knowingly step on a dagger??
Thereby precipitating my fall??
And if so??
Is the blame is solely mine??
Does my motive matters??


Questions...
Questions plague me nowadays....
My questions....
Other's questions....
Inner questions....
Outside Questions....

Questions.... Questions.... Questions....

So many questions.. There must be answers for all this??
Sadly for me...
There is none...

YET...

Should I be more selfish??
Should I be more selfless??
Should I just be me??



No answer....

Never expected any....
Not after this blasted silence for so long....


After so long.....
I'm still falling.....
Help..
Help..

I'm falling......

And yet..
Silence reigns....

What must I do??
I'm troubled....
I'm disturbed....
I'm haunted....


I'm painfully aware of how much I sound like a whining bastard...

However... I am one.... A bastard I mean..
Figuratively.... Not literally.. I came from a legal and holy matrimony....

That should clear any misunderstandings....
And if not?? I don't have the energy to discuss it....


.................................................................

Life.... and..... Death...

Its a wonder......

Have u ever been characterized as a waste of space??
A waste of money??
A waste of attention??
A waste of investments??
A waste of birth??

.........................................
I have... And I wonder.... If I'm such a waste.. What is the purpose of my life????
What is the reason to continue it??
What is the reason to prolong it??
What is the way to end this waste??

........................................
I have thought... I have contemplated.. I have meditated...
Should I end this waste??
Should I end this life??
Should I find a way to benefit??

........................................
Lethal questions.... Lethal Thoughts.... Lethal Emotions....
What is the answer??
What is the results??
What is the repercussions??

.........................................
I wonder... For what am I born??
A sorry replacement??
A faulty legacy??
A false hope??

..........................................
I do not conform... I'm an outcast.. I'm different..
Should I roll over and die??
Should I force myself to change??
Should I follow others??

..........................................

In the end....
There is only.......



silence..........................





Silence enough to drive one mad....
Silence enough for one to loose it.....
Silence enough for one to find inner friends, regardless how bizarre, or dominating....



Have you ever thought of creating another you within you??
Have you ever thought of naming that another??
Have you ever wished that another can help??



That another.... May exists....
That another.... May help...
That another.... May just be you...

You might just be another....


This author will not be held responsible for anything resulting from direct reading of this post..
This post is the result of this authors maniacity....
The readers of this post is warned...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

BORED....

That word characterizes my life nowadays.
boredom abounds..
Boredom waiting in corners...
Boredom in everything....
Lucky I'm not bored of life yet thought..
HEHEHEH.....

Lolz.. by now u guys know edi that My posts update are so rare..
therefore, I'm just ,making this update to remind people that I'm still alive..
Albeit having difficulties updating...

Heh...
Thats all fo today...